Numb
by Soccer-Geek
Summary: A songfic to Linkin Park's "Numb". Anakin's thoughts during ROTS. There will be lots and lots of Ani angst and Old Order bashing.


_**I sadly do not own Anakin Skywalker or Numb by Linkin Park. Enjoy!**_

I'm tired of being what you want me to be. Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface. I don't know what you're expecting of me, under the pressure of walking in your shoes. (Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow.) Every step that I take is another mistake to you. (Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow.)

Since I arrived at the Jedi Temple, several things were drilled into me: You can't have affection for others, you must act a certain way, you can't show emotions. You had to be like everyone else.

It was almost like we were supposed to be like the droids we fought: cold, hard, emotionless, never questioning an order, ready to die at a seconds notice without even wondering what we were dying for.

Everything I did made me look like a failure to the Jedi Way. I ditched the Jedi beige and wore black. I tinkered with droids and snuck out at night to pillage and plunder for my hobby. I was impatient, I was abrasive, and I spoke my mind.

In a way, I was one of the lucky ones. Because I had so much power and Qui-Gon had specifically told Obi-Wan to train me, I was allowed to stay at the Temple. I knew what happened to those who were like me. They weren't picked to be trained in the Jedi ways. They weren't even sent home to their families. They were sent to live out their days as farmers, wondering about what could have been if someone had looked past their flaws and took them on as apprentices.

As a Jedi, I was expected to live to a certain standard that everyone else had since infancy. I just happened to enter that utopia too late.

_I've become so numb, I can't feel you there, become so tired, so much more aware. I'm becoming this, all I want to do is be more like me and less like you._

I'm starting to forget why I was so eager to join the Jedi Order to begin with. I'm starting to forget why everyone thought I had potential, only to not let me reach that potential. I'm starting to forget who I was when I came to Coruscant.

I'm starting to forget who I am.

_Can't you see that you're smothering me? Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control. 'Cause everything that you thought I would be has fallen apart right in front of you. (Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow.) Every step that I take is another mistake to you. (Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow.)_

The Council watches me too closely, hangs on so tightly. I'm surprised I've been able to hide my marriage for so long with their hovering. They're afraid to lose control of me.

I'm a wild animal, trained and domesticated. But now I'm reverting to my wild side, refusing to be like everyone else and follow commands blindly.

And to the Council, every reckless decision I make is another embarrassing mistake to the Order.

_And every second I waste is more than I can take!_

And I can't take it anymore.

_I've become so numb, I can't feel you there, become so tired, so much more aware. I'm becoming this, all I want to do is be more like me and less like you._

I'm tired of these games. I'm tired of being the "Chosen One". I'm tired of the Jedi Order and Code. I'm tired of this war. I'm tired of hiding my true feelings. I'm tired of hiding my marriage. I'm tired of not being able to glow with pride as I know that I will soon be a father.

I just want to be free.

_And I know I may end up failing too. But I know you were just like me with someone disappointed in you._

I know this could end either way. I could succeed or I could fail. But I'm tired of having people disappointed with me. They were just like me, with someone, somewhere, disappointed with them. And then willingly choose to treat everyone beneath them the same way.

_I've become so numb, I can't feel you there, become so tired, so much more aware. I'm becoming this, all I want to do is be more like me and less like you._

I have to let go, give in to the darkness inside of me. This is me. And this is what I will do to save the one I love.

_I've become so numb. (I'm tired of being what you want me to be.) I've become so numb. (Tired of being what you want me to be.)_

I'm tired of being what the Jedi want me to be. I have no control, no life, no passion with them.

As Sith Lord Darth Vader, I have control over my life, with no one above me. No one to be disappointed in me.

A chance to be me.


End file.
